Journal — January 15, 2017 — lucidity
Last night I had a dream:
I’m talking with a man ten or twenty years older than me. I see him as someone who has deep, penetrating insight. He asks me whether I drank alcohol, in the last year.
“Yes”, I say. “One small glass of mead.”This is true, in the waking world. That’s still the only time I’ve had alcohol, in my life.
He turns away from me, with a pained expression. I’m surprised and confused. It seems to me that he thinks I’m blind to an obvious truth about myself, and that he thinks I’m too fragile for him to say what it is without hurting me. I watch emotions like indignance, shame and insecurity pass through me. Then I say to him, exasperated, “I’ve never seen anyone look at me that way.This is also true. In the dream I was confused partly because my actual father never looked at me this way; it’s new for me to be seen as childish and ignorant. I hadn’t learned any strategies to deal with it. You’re acting like a disappointed father. What is it? What are you thinking?”
He takes a moment to collect his thoughts, struggling with more emotions than I am. Finally, he says, clearly:
“You are celebrating your losses in a way that you wouldn’t if you experienced success.”
Then I woke up.
I don’t understand much about this dream.alcohol = success?? I know it relates to the will to arrive. My first association has to do with the way I deal with failure, calamity and suffering, no matter whose it is: very often, since I was about fourteen years old, I smile and laugh.
Love of complexity: not the best quality, in a system architect. (source) It’s fun to be in awe of the great overcomplicated awfulness of the world.
How much more difficult do I make life by reveling in difficulty?
I don’t do it as often as I used to, but I notice it’s still much easier for me to enter a joyful attitude when I think about the worst that could happen than when I think about the best. Something in my chest tightens, when I imagine success, and the same something relaxes with the idea of stagnation.
I can work on that.